screwed up… mcBeal style

As you probably already know, Ally is a Boston-based love-a-holic lawyer whose never-ending quest to find her soulmate has put her into situations which are far too complicated to explain. She fell in love with a rabbi, a slob, a minor, and a bisexual. Oh, not to mention the father and son that she dated - like i said, far too complicated to explain. 

Now, I don't know what it is about Ally McBeal but every time I watch the damn thing, I always fall into this deep depression that are just beyond words. And yet, I still can't seem to stop watching. Yes, I love torturing myself! But other than that, could it because I'm just as neurotic as her that I actually understand what she's going through? Or is it the songs?! I dunno.. What I do know is I can't get this song out of my head. It's called You and Me by Vonda Shepard which is actually part of the series soundtrack.. 

YOU AND ME
Vonda Shepard

Part of me wants to break the ice
And part of me wants to roll the dice
Exactly how it stands
Part of me wants to roll the dice
And part of me wants to leave them curled up in my hands

Where they will be safe and no one will know
How I really feel and I'll never be real
And I'll roll with the punches that I'll never feel
And I'll have a heart that no one can steal

[Chorus]

It's you and me and you're nowhere to be found
I'm rolling on the ground
It's me and you and I'm nowhere to be found

Part of me wants to break these chains
And part of me wants to keep them locked up tight
Part of me wants to stop these rains
And part of me wants them to fall all night

Fall on my head just to wake me up
Anything to drench my half-empty cup
And I'm sorry baby I've had enough
I'm tired of your promised tearing me up

[Repeat Chorus]

You will be safe and no one will know
How you really feel and you'll never be real
And you'll roll with the punches that you'll never feel
And you'll have a heart that I'll never steal

[Repeat Chorus]

middle-class morality

I've always admired people who are able to move on with their lives as if nothing ever happened. I'm actually one of those people… well, I used to. I was doing just great until middle-class morality screwed me up and introduced the concept of "having a conscience."

Funny thing is, I was never like this. Ask anyone who has known me for more than a year and they'll tell you outright that having regard for other's feelings - even a slight hint of it - has never been my strongest suit. Empathy, that I can manage. But actually "feeling" like any other creature that walked this earth was something that I was never accustomed to do.

Yes, I blame it on middle-class morality and George Bernard Shaw. I have always wanted to be Professor Higgins until I found my Eliza. I have never felt more vulnerable in my entire life that I would simply give in to anything or anyone. And having paved my way to self-destruction, all that is left to do is close my eyes and pray that I don't blow up.

unwritten

all good things must come to an end, and as i embrace the life of a mid-20 urbanite, i might as well pick a new theme song.. last year, it was "Real" by Plumb (Look at me, I'm 23, beautiful, a sight to see tonight) but this time around, i choose UNWRITTEN by Natasha Bedingfield. 

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
 

Isn't it just perfect?!?

deja vu all over again

just when i thought i had actually out-grown it, it seems like i'm even farther from where i started.

 i'd like to believe that everyone goes through it either when people turn 18 or hit the big 2-0. i know i did. it was a really tough time for me that i even labeled october 9 as my death day anniversary and never in my life have i been more destructive. the year was 2004.

i never thought i'd be one of those people who would suffer severely from Peter Pan syndrome. i didn't want to grow up and i still don't. and every year, since that fateful event, i would always be late for work (or i wouldn't go to work at all), i wouldn't mind if my room looks like little Payatas, i would be a total biatch to everyone (not to mention, extra crappy) and i would hangout at Starbucks, or at the cinema, or anywhere alone. for three consecutive years, i would always sink into the lowest of lows every third quarter of the year that i thought 2006 would be the last. and just when i thought i had actually out-grown the fantasy of being a kid forever, it seems like i'm even farther from where i started.

 i was just watching "Georgia Rule" (Lindsay Lohan, Felicity Huffman, and Jane Fonda) the other day and i haven't stopped thinking about it since then. euphemistically speaking, Rachel (Lindsay Lohan) is a free-spirit. truth is, she's a lost soul trying to find her way home. i remember her saying that she doesn't really care about the sex but what she really wants is to be held. and maybe that's exactly what the world needs - to be held (or touched) - so we can finally say that we are, indeed, home. but then again, maybe it's just me…

off to see the wizard…

I cannot believe that it has been eight months since I last went out of town. Not that I'm tied up with work that I totally need to breakaway but I guess a time-out is in order from time to time (every quarter would be the ideal interval for me). And the way I see it, the ultimate reward of living in the urban jungle is you get to escape to a more relaxed environment you never thought existed.

So, this is it for now.

Au revoir et a bientôt!