unsent

Friday, February 8, 2008

Hi J!

 

Surprised?! So am I. I don’t even know where to start. You see, I was watching "Little Black Book" the other day and there was a line there that has been haunting my subconscious for days now. 

A  clean break is easier. You can reset it. And it heals, and you move on. But if you fleave things messy or things don’t get put right then it just hurts — forever

- Joyce Moore (Julianne Nicholson) 

I know it probably doesn’t mean much now seeing how you’re obviously doing ok now but I guess I still have this need to clear the air between us. I know you keep on insisting that it’s water under the bridge and that you really don’t want to know what happened but I feel like there’s definitely a need to tell you, both for my sake and yours. It’s just that everything happened so fast before we parted that I didn’t get to say the things I wanted to say and the truth that you deserve to know. So, here it goes:

 

First of all, I want to apologize for any pain I may have caused you. I know that it was a difficult time for you and I didn’t mean to burden you with additional baggage. I’m sorry for screening your calls and pretending you’re not in the room even though we were two feet apart. Also, I may have said some things to my friends behind your back and I’m sorry for that, too. You’ve been nothing but good to me and I should have known better. As the cliche goes, it’s not you, it’s me.

 

Now, the hard part — getting the WHY out in the open. Why was I such a b*tch? Why did I leave? Why did I shut you out of my life? Why did I treat you that way? Like I said, you have been a good friend, too good of a friend that I started to get scared. I was afraid of where our relationship was leading to and I panicked. Call me a relationship-phobe but all I can think of at that moment was that I wanted to get out — I just had to. You were, after all, leaving, right? So it’s a matter of leave or be left.. dump or be dumped. You know me, I don’t want to plummet into anything I can’t get out of unscathed. Selfish as it may seem but I felt like I had to do it for self-preservation. Ironically, though, I ended up being hurt anyway, and in the process hurted you, too. And if I can do anything to change it back, I would do it in a heartbeat. No doubt about it.

 

Given what we’ve been through, I think everything still turned out well in the end. I know I don’t really get to see you anymore but you’ll always play a huge part in my life. I enjoy looking back with what we had then and I very much happy with what we have now knowing that you’ll always be there no matter what. Nobody gets me the way you do and it even scares me that you seldom know more stuff about me than I do (which you have to admit is true) regardless of distance or time spent together. And you do know it goes both ways, right? If there’s anything you need, I’ll always be here for you and there’s no need for second-guessing.

 

 

Love you,

D  xoxo 

 

PS And by the way, NO, you have not changed one bit no matter what you say. You’re still have that short-tempered, i-don’t-care-about-what-you-say-but-i-know-i’m-right attitude going on. It may have mellowed down, but it’s still there. Oh, and please send my regards to your Mom. And tell her thanks for the gift. I love it!!  :p —> D