bitter no more!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It may be the alchol talking or maybe it has to do with the spirit of christmas but I feel a certain "lightness" that i just can't explain. Normally, I transform into the Grinch during the holidays but this year seems different. I looked forward to midnight because I can't wait to open my presents and I even socialized with my aunts, uncles and cousins when we went to Project 6 for our annual Christmas gathering. And believe it or not, it kind of scares me…

Here's the thing, a lot has happened over the past couple of weeks that I don't feel all Christmas-sy. (In case you wanna know what happened, you might as well ask my friends because apparently, that's all that i ever talk about - and yes, that was a sarcastic remark). And yet, two days before Christmas, I was actually looking forward to it. And while others might consider it to be a Christmas miracle, I can't help but wonder, "Have I really moved on or am I simply over-compensating?"

I wanna be happy. I mean, who doesn't, right? but am I? Or is this just another defense mechanism triggered by the sub-conscious to help me cope up with the upcoming holidays? Well, whatever it is, I don't care! To hell with it!! All I know I'm happy, and I'm not letting anyone rain on my parade!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!

 

… of bitterness and stoicism

Friday, December 22, 2006

" a life without love is no life at all!!"
-leonardo da vinci (ever after)-  

EVER AFTER is my all time favorite movie and for some weird reason, i felt like watching it all over again for the nth time. there are times when you feel like you need to watch a film just "because" .. and then there are times when you feel like watching a film because you want to be reminded of certain things.

truth be told, i don't believe in love anymore. Karen Carpenter was right when she said (or, better yet, sang) that "love is just a game that children play". it's a known fact that nothing lasts forever and love is no exemption. i believe that love has to come to an end one way or another. it was then that i finally realized that i have become the anti-thesis of my own past. the hopeless romantic kid that i used to be seemed hopeless still but romantic no more.

i have become stoic. it's been quite a while since i last felt, well, anything. i laugh but i barely cry. i don't know why but it seems like my tear ducts had run dry. i have embraced stoicism without having any second thoughts. and i felt freer than i ever was before.

i felt like i was living in utopia. i was following the norms and living up to the creed. i didn't care much about others and didn't care if people cared about me. i have become more of a realist and have shed off the idealist tha ti was once. i was on my own but i never felt alone. and as time passed by, i have learned to numb my soul.

with the way i was living my life, i was better off dead. that is exactly why i wanted to watch EVER AFTER because i need to be reminded of what love truly is. i needed to reaffirm my faith and believe in something that once seemed true. i have to escape from the bottomless pit where i threw myself in head first and believe that something good can come out of the same thing i fear most…

searching for the inner voice…

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I’ve been wanting to update my blog for a very long time now but every time I start writing, it always ends up being saved as a draft. There was actually a time when words just came out naturally. I remember I would always have a pen and paper handy just so I’d have something where I can write my thoughts down with before I put them out into the open. But recently, it seems like all I have are bottled up voiceless thoughts finding a way to get out.

A very good friend of mine told me once, “In order to write, you have to find your voice. Your voice defines you both as a writer and as a person.” And for some weird reason, I can’t seem to find that voice. I have searched high and low and it feels like I’ve lost it and there’s no way of getting it back. But how does someone lose his/her voice? Is it even possible to actually lose it?  Or could it be that one loses his/her voice as a result of losing one’s self? Well, frankly, I don’t know because once again, these are nothing more but mere thoughts…

So, will I ever find my voice? I pretty damn sure I will. As to when that will be, I can’t answer that just yet. But one thing’s for sure. When I do, I’ll scream out LOUD and PROUD and I won’t let anything or anyone shut me up or bring me down.

Love Is A Battlefield

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Pat Benatar
Live From Earth
Written by: M. Chapman/H. Knight

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no on can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

You're beggin' me to go, you're makin' me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad
It would help me to know
Do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing you've had
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love and I'm chained to your side

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demads
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no once can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefiled

We're losing control
Will you turn me away or touch me deep inside
And before this gets old, will it still feel the same
There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, you'll need me to hold

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefiled